Movie insults are not easy to come up with. They’re sort of an art form in and of themselves, as it can be difficult to write and deliver insults that are not only funny but also cut deep and are emphasized with beautiful contempt. This, on its own, can be pretty hard to nail, with many movies trying (and failing) to come up with some memorable insults.
What’s even harder to pull off, though, is the clapback. It’s really hard to come up with a brilliant response to a low-hanging insult, especially in a way that is fitting, wittier, and more effective than the original jab. Clapbacks aren’t just dismissals; they are counter-insults that take the conviction of the preceding line and redirect it toward the aggressor. They aren’t always common, but they can be glorious when they’re pulled off. Found in movies as different as Mean Girls and Commando, these are the best movie clapbacks, which turn the instigator into the laughing stock before they even know what’s coming.
10 Turning the tables
‘Commando’ (1985)
Leave it to Arnold Schwarzenegger to deliver a great, if simple, comeback in the midst of a tough-guy ’80s action movie. In Commando, Schwarzenegger plays John Matrix, a former Special Forces Colonel who is on a quest to rescue his daughter from the clutches of a gang of mercenaries. Commando might be super cheesy, but it’s one-liners like this that make it one of Schwarzenegger’s most rewatchable movies.
After tracking the mercenaries to a dingy roadside motel, Matrix gets into a fistfight with several enemy goons. Just as there is one left standing, the goon finds a pistol and points it at Matrix, saying “F*** you, a**hole” before firing… or at least, trying to. The gun turns out to be empty, prompting Matrix to reply, “F**k you, a**hole!” before finishing the deed. Sure, it’s not the most imaginative comeback, but it does earn points for effectively being a shorter, more profane version of “I know you are, but what am I?” Let’s face it: only Schwarzenegger could make this playground insult so debilitating, which is probably why it’s so memorable.
9 Go piss your pants
‘Superbad’ (2007)
If there’s one thing Superbad likes to make apparent, it’s that one’s high school reputation will follow them everywhere they go, and classmates will, unfortunately, never forget the most embarrassing moments. This point is emphasized at the beginning of the film when friends Seth (Jonah Hill) and Evan (Michael Cera) are chatting during an outdoor phys ed class.
In the midst of their discussion, a soccer ball rolls towards them, but neither goes for it. A classmate named Greg (Dave Franco) runs by to get it, throwing a “F*** you” at Evan for not kicking the ball back. Seth tells him to buzz off before retorting, “Why don’t you go piss your pants again?” Greg insists that it only happened once, eight years ago, but Seth returns to the movie’s point: people don’t forget. This is an effective comeback because it goes straight for the throat, focussing on a humiliating aspect of Greg’s past. It’s also so unnecessarily mean-spirited, perfectly summarizing Superbad‘s humor and cementing its place as one of the best R-rated comedies of the 21st century.
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8 Inanimate objects
‘In Bruges’ (2008)
In the acclaimed crime comedyIn Bruges, Ralph Fiennes plays Harry, a crime boss who employs two hitmen, Ray (Colin Farrell) and Ken (Brendan Gleeson), who are hiding out in the city of Bruges, Belgium, after a job gone horribly wrong. It would seem that laying low isn’t their strong suit because they have multiple not-so-subtle misadventures. When Harry learns the exact nature of how they botched their job, he orders Ken to kill Ray.
Alas, Ken and Ray have bonded, so Ray hops on a train and runs even further while Ken confesses he didn’t kill Ray. Harry, back at home, gets enraged and begins slamming his phone into the receiver. He is then approached by his wife, Natalie (Elizabeth Berrington), who tries to put into perspective just how ridiculous Harry is being by saying, “It’s an inanimate f***ing object.” But Harry is not a man to be trifled with when he’s angry and shouts back, “You’re an inanimate f***ing object!” It’s got the same childish energy as the line in Commando, but it is made better with Fiennes’ furious delivery and the fact that this one is just downright hilarious.
7 If I gave you any thought…
‘Casablanca’ (1942)
Casablanca is seen as an absolute masterpiece. Of course, it’s got a screenplay to match, with Humphrey Bogart‘s Rick Blaine dropping some cold-hearted insults towards various characters, as is his cynical nature. At the film’s café, the most crucial location in the film, Rick meets up with Ugarte (Peter Lorre), whom Rick clearly does not want to be talking to. Ugarte throws a couple of subtle jabs at Rick, criticizing his cynical nature and bleak outlook on life, but Rick just isn’t having any of it.
Ugarte thinks he’s gotten the upper hand in the discussion, asking, “You despise me, don’t you?” Rick completely blows him off, saying, “If I gave you any thought, I probably would.” This clapback is a sarcastic, deadpan way of letting Ugarte know that he is so unimportant that Rick doesn’t even bother to think about him for even a second because he’s not even worth hating. It’s almost worse than telling someone you hate them, and it’s all delivered with a perfectly straight face, which makes this particular line one of the most quotable moments in the movie.
6 The other guy
‘The Departed’ (2006)
The Departed follows a police investigation into the Irish mob, in which a series of hidden cameras are planted in one of the mob’s hideouts. As the police watch the live footage, the cameras malfunction and fail to record, prompting discussions in the police precinct about what kind of idiot even set the cameras up in the first place. These discussions are initiated by Staff Sergeant Dignam (Mark Wahlberg), who reprimands the tech crew for their shoddy work.
One of the techies fires back, asking just who the heck Dignam thinks he is. The short-tempered Dignam replies, “I’m the guy who does his job; you must be the other guy.” In a scene laden with profanity, this brutal insult is delivered without uttering a single swear word, which makes it more impactful, to be honest, because it shows how Dignam doesn’t even need to swear for his words to cut deep. It’s delivered at a rapid pace, and The Departed allows a second for it to sting and resonate with audiences before moving on.
5 Shooter’s breakfast
‘Happy Gilmore’ (1996)
Happy Gilmore is a sports comedy about golf starring Adam Sandler as the titular character, a former hockey player who resorts to a golf tournament to earn some quick cash and earn his grandmother’s house back after it is repossessed by the IRS. However, Happy has zero experience with golf yet still manages to be pretty good at driving the ball over long distances. Standing in the way of victory in the tournament is Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald), an arrogant and highly skilled golfer.
At their first meeting, Shooter confronts Happy, tearing him down and threatening him with a devastating loss, saying, “I eat pieces of s*** like you for breakfast.” It’s a common insult, but Happy retorts by looking at the statement critically, chuckling, “You eat pieces of s*** for breakfast?” This is such a good clapback because it catches Shooter completely off-guard and leaves him with no way to respond other than walking away, defeated. On top of that, the line has been used in film before, so it’s good to see a character look at the line critically and point out how disgusting and weird it sounds when taken literally.
4 “My mother’s old d-bag”
‘Revenge of the Nerds’ (1984)
Revenge of the Nerds is a movie with a plot that is exactly what it sounds like. A bunch of “nerds” at a college are fed up with their peers beating them down all the time and decide to take a stand for themselves. As such, there are a lot of bullying insults thrown towards the nerds by the jocks. It reeks of typical stereotypes, but that’s probably why the movie has become such a famous, if quite outdated, ’80s cult classic.
At one point in the film, a quarterback frat boy named Stan (Ted McGinley) tries to insult a nerd named Booger (Curtis Armstrong) by snidely asking what he’s looking at and using the term “nerd” as an insult. But Booger has a perfect response up his sleeve, stating, “I thought I was looking at my mother’s old d-bag, but that’s in Ohio.” It’s a perfect comeback to an extremely unimaginative and basic insult, and it really shows the dumb jock what for in hilarious fashion.
Revenge of the Nerds is currently not available to stream or buy in the US and Canada.
3 “Your mom’s chest hair.”
‘Mean Girls’ (2004)
Mean Girls is the quintessential teen comedy of the 21st century, thanks to its hilarious dialogue and exceptional acting performances. One of the most iconic characters in the film is Janis (Lizzy Caplan), who is a bit of a loner and pretty far removed from the popular groups and the “in” crowd. Thus, the kids in these cliques are prone to make fun of her, believing her an easy target, but time and time again, Janis proves she can really hold her own in a battle of words.
One of her first scenes has a jock walk by and comment, “Nice wig, Janis, what’s it made of?” Janis must have practiced her reply because, without missing a beat, she retorts, “Your mom’s chest hair!” Most people would react defensively and deny there even being a wig, but this response is so much better because it puts the antagonizer right in his place and shuts him up immediately. The clapback also shows Janis’ quick-witted and defensive personality, instantly defining her character with just a few words.
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2 Hot and cold
‘Welcome to the Dollhouse’ (1995)
Welcome to the Dollhouse is an awkward yet biting coming-of-age comedy about a middle schooler named Dawn (Heather Matarazzo) who doesn’t really have any friends save for Ralphy (Dimitri DeFresco). The two are pretty much inseparable and are seldom seen apart, even after school. However, they are constantly under fire from Brandon (Brendan Sexton III), a bully who likes to pick on them due to their social isolation.
The fact that this clapback comes from Ralphy makes it even better, as his soft, almost innocent-like delivery enhances the word’s vitriol.
During one particularly brutal confrontation, Brandon lobs insult after insult at them without letting up. Most are typical name-calling or are fairly basic, but where this exchange shines is in Ralphy’s brilliant response to the onslaught. Ralphy, aware that Brandon thinks he is so much cooler than he actually is, says, “You think you’re hot s***, but you’re just cold diarrhea!” Bold, creative, and absolutely hilarious, this insult is a highlight of the film and one of the best clapbacks screenwriters have ever come up with. The fact that it comes from Ralphy makes it even better, as his soft, almost innocent-like delivery enhances the word’s vitriol.
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1 “No, have you?”
‘Aliens’ (1986)
James Cameron‘s Aliens opted for more of an action route rather than the horror of the original, but it’s still a classic sci-fi film, made infinitely better by its dialogue. A prime example is an interaction between two Colonial Marines, Vasquez (Jenette Elise Goldstein) and Hudson (Bill Paxton). Vasquez may be a woman, but she is far from traditionally feminine, wielding a huge, heavy machine gun, being super muscly, and wearing her hair short, as would befit a soldier.
During downtime, when Vasquez is doing pull-ups, Hudson snidely asks if she has ever been mistaken for a man. Vasquez is quick on the trigger (both literally and figuratively) and fires back, “No, have you?” It’s by far the best movie comeback because of how simple it is; it doesn’t require a whole lot of thought and wouldn’t even seem like an insult in ordinary circumstances. Yet, with just three simple words, Vasquez tears Hudson down and destroys the stupidity of his comment. The fact that Vasquez is so casual about it is just the icing on top of the cake.