Eight years after Carrie Fisher’s death, daughter Billie Lourd is getting candid about how her grief has made her appreciate life more.
The actress took to Instagram on the eighth anniversary of her mother’s death to share an old picture of them when she was a child and a lengthy caption about what this day means to her.
“I always dread this day,” she wrote. “I spend so much time leading up to it thinking about how awful I’m going to feel. And my dread is usually right. I woke up this morning with a dark cloud over me. But when my kids woke up the dark cloud dissipated and made way for bright glowing sunshine.”
She compared the anniversary of Fisher’s death to an “emotional tropical storm” when it rains a lot, but the light in between is more beautiful than any other day without storm clouds. She also shared an Anne Lamott quote about how grief is “like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
“That describes how I feel today perfectly. Yes the grief weather is cold and yes I may have a limp but I am absolutely dancing through life (oops I quoted wicked?),” she continued. “And I am actually a better dancer with my limp. My grief has given me a deeper appreciation for all the little moments of life. So today I am griefful (griefy but grateful).”
Lourd concluded: “I watch the magic that is my son and daughter and I know she is a piece of that magic. And I feel all the things. The grief. The joy. The longing. The magic. The emptiness. The fullness. And it all coexists in a profound way.”
Fisher died Dec. 27, 2016, four days after suffering a heart attack on a flight from London to Los Angeles. In June 2017, a coroner revealed that she died from sleep apnea and a combination of other factors but could not pinpoint an exact cause.
Other factors that contributed to her death included a buildup of fatty tissue in the walls of her arteries, according to a news release at the time. It also stated that there were signs the Star Wars actress had taken multiple drugs, but investigators were unable to determine if they contributed to her passing. Ultimately, her manner of death was listed as undetermined.
Fisher’s mother, Debbie Reynolds, died one day after her daughter following a medical emergency.