With the Gabba having stolen the duties of Weather Affected Test for the summer, Sydney’s traditional rain was replaced by a speeding portmanteau of the same: barreling along the tracks, unable to be stopped, destined to inevitably crash to a dramatic conclusion.
The only question that remained was which side would crawl bloodied and ruined from the locomotive wreckage, holding aloft the Border-Gavaskar Trophy.
(Spoiler: it was Australia.)
Here’s the report card for the fifth Test of the Australia v India series.
Opting Out of Tests
Grade: B+
The final Test of this series brought team changes aplenty.
The Australians elected to swap Mitch Marsh out for a Beau Webster – but India trumped them effortlessly by dumping their captain Rohit Sharma, and returning Shubman Gill to the side.
Naturally, nobody was actually willing to admit that Rohit had been dumped, with replacement captain Jasprit Bumrah carefully sticking to the line at the toss that he had ‘opted out’ of the Test, choosing to rest himself.
Bumrah then won the toss and chose to bat on a pitch that did plenty.
Not that the pitch was to blame for KL Rahul’s dismissal, lazily clipping (the ‘KL’ stands for ‘Klipped Lazily’) a half-volley from Mitchell Starc to Sam Konstas at square leg.
Yashasvi Jaiswal soon followed, caught in the slips by the giant diving hands of Webster. The delighted Australian team, led by Konstas, raced over to congratulate the newcomer on taking the catch.
“What a thrill that must be for you,” said Konstas. “Now you truly feel as if you’re one of us.”
Webster would prove to be a constant threat in the slips, diving in front of Steve Smith at every opportunity to pouch anything that flew in that direction.
So much so that Marnus Labuschagne eventually had to pull him aside to have a quiet word with him.
Well, not ‘quiet’. It’s Marnus. But you get it.
Imaginary Flaws
Grade: D
Virat Kohli came to the crease after Jaiswal’s dismissal, with Scott Boland targeting the area outside his off stump.
Immediately, the commentators began talking about the fifth and sixth stump line problem for Kohli. Nonsense chat. Use your eyes, people. There are only three stumps.
An imaginary flaw. Kohli still perfect. (Please subscribe to my newsletter, India readers!)
Kohli then flashed at the first ball he faced, edging it low to Smith in the cordon, who somehow dived and scooped it up to Labuschagne, who took the rebound catch with his usual understatement and modesty.
Third umpire Joel Wilson adjudicated it not out, however, on the basis that nobody wanted the Test to be abandoned.
Not to be deterred, Kohli delivered another gift to the slips, tied up with a Beau, not too long afterwards, on the way to India being bowled out for 185.
Boland would also get Kohli in the second innings too, with the same delivery and result. Kohli was caught in the corridor this series more often than a maths class truant skulking off for a clandestine durry.
Presumably being bowled out on the first day for less than 200 is all part of Bumrah’s go-to captaincy plans?
Virat Kohli edges to slip. (Photo by Darrian Traynor/Getty Images)
Firing Up Jasprit Bumrah
Grade: D
India being bowled out shortly before stumps meant that there was time for some Bumrah bowling and Australian time-wasting.
Usman Khawaja’s heroic dithering at the crease managed to sufficiently rile up Bumrah that he gesticulated at the Australian batter to ‘face up already’. Konstas, at the non-striker’s end, then decided to inexplicably get involved, having words with Bumrah.
Bumrah then started arguing with Konstas. And in the end, enough time was wasted with all the arguing about time being wasted that suddenly there was only one ball left in the day.
Needless to say, Bumrah used that one ball to dismiss Khawaja (caught in the slips by Beau Webster?! Get out of there, Beau!) and the India side, as one, roared their triumph at Konstas.
A powerful comeuppance for the young man, and a valuable lesson learned. If you fire Bumrah up, he’ll respond by taking wickets.
Or at least that would be the lesson learned, if Bumrah hadn’t already been taking wickets every other ball all series, cheerily beaming the entire time.
Unfortunately, early the next day, Bumrah’s body suddenly opted out of the rest of the Test, the stand-in India captain being whisked off to hospital for mysterious scans.
At the time, it felt like an opportunity for Australia to pounce and take control of the match. But with the other bowlers chipping in to instead bowl the home side out for 181, four short of India’s first innings total, it raised a bigger question.
Had Bumrah been holding India back this entire series? Sadly, all available evidence suggests: yes.
Pantics
Grade: B+
India began their second innings in a flurry, but Boland once again curtailed them, taking the first three wickets.
With India 3/59, a lead of 63, enter Rishabh Pant, who ignored Sunil Gavaskar, coach Gautam Gambhir, former captain Rohit Sharma, large chunks of the India media, and several million determinedly unpleasant social media accounts, to blast his way to the second-fastest Test fifty ever by an India batter, unluckily pipped by a single ball by the great India champion, Rishabh Pant.
With Pant threatening to thrash the game out of reach, Cummins stubbornly refused to turn to the obvious, moustachioed solution of Travis Head and his smoking hot spinning finger.
Instead, the fun-hating Cummins dismissed Pant himself, then celebrated a few overs later by tumbling over himself while appealing. (Yet still appealing all the way down – what a pro the Australian captain is.)
With Pant down, Boland then finished off India on the third and final morning, bowling them out for 157 and completing a ten-wicket match haul.
Once again, the cry went out: ‘Build the man a statui!’ (i.e., a statistics user interface with which we can break down his bowling record in further detail).
Steve Smith Selflessness
Grade: B+
Australia needed 162 to win, and started in a flurry, making the most of the Power Play.
But a couple of quick wickets brought Smith to the crease, on 9995 Test runs. He was the key to the entire run chase.
Australia lost the SCG Test in which Steve Waugh brought up 10,000 runs. Australia drew the SCG Test in which Allan Border brought up his 10,000th. For Australia to win this Test, Smith therefore needed to be dismissed for less than five.
The selfless Smith provided, caught for four (should Smith now retire? Tempting, surely. 9999 feels fittingly Bradmanesque) and Australia duly cruised to a comfortable four wicket win, courtesy of Webster, who crashed the winning runs.
Roar editor Christy Doran made the trip to Seattle with VisitSeattle.org, diving into the city’s electric sports vibe, outdoor adventures, and renowned food scene. Click here for his latest adventure in the Emerald City.
Take a bow, Webster. (That’s pronounced ‘bow’, obviously.)
3-1 to Australia, who now hold all bilateral trophies (the ones they compete in, anyway – they don’t hold, like, the New Zealand-Sri Lanka one), plus the World Test Championship and the ODI World Cup.
In retrospect, sloppy to have Mitch Marsh captaining during the T20 World Cup. Should have let greedy old Pat devour that trophy too. Collect them all. Nom nom nom.
Still, if there’s one thing this series has made clear, it’s that England’s best chance of regaining the Ashes next summer is to select Jasprit Bumrah.