When I became a stepmom in 2017 to a precocious 6-year-old, I had no idea where to look for role models. I searched high and low, but I was disheartened by what I found. Stepmothers still struggle to outrun the negative stigma of being “the other,” a perception reinforced by fairy tales and, more recently, Republican politicians. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, of Georgia, for one, has publicly delegitimized stepmoms, as has Donald Trump’s 2024 running mate, Sen. JD Vance of Ohio.
Vance has called Vice President Kamala Harris “anti-child” and a “childless cat lady.” But that’s news to her stepdaughter, Ella Emhoff, the daughter of Harris’ husband, Doug. (Doug was married to film producer Kerstin Emhoff before the couple divorced in 2008.) Together with her brother, Cole, the 25-year-old recently defended Harris on social media, posting, “I love my three parents.”
Imagine the stepchildren and stepparents today who can point to a photo of Kamala and Ella embracing each other (a photo I sent to my stepdaughter) and use it as a touchstone, a guiding force and a powerful example of a nonnuclear family. Imagine watching this blended family on stage at the DNC this week, as Americans fight to elect a presidential candidate who is not only a woman of color, but also a stepmom.
I wish I could have had that example a few years ago. Instead, I struggled for guidance. It could feel like the blind leading the blind as I began reading Reddit forums about stepparenting and following niche stepmom influencers. I purchased memoirs written by stepmoms, and the book “The Birth of a Foster, Adoptive or Stepmother: Beyond Biological Mothering Attachments.” I read a few essays online — and wrote a few more. I felt an urgent need to publicly defend stepmothering and fill the cultural gaps I was still experiencing in real time.
Because for years Disney movies (and non-Disney movies) have told us that biological mothers and stepmothers are inherently enemies. We are pitted against one another, with stepmoms assumed to be the evil interlopers. And even if we weren’t “evil” per se, we definitely weren’t “real” parents.
As my stepdaughter grew into a teenager, this was a topic we spoke about frequently, wondering aloud why stepmoms were treated so poorly. We made sure to nurture our relationship by celebrating Stepmom’s Day every year.
We all know kids need to see themselves represented in the world around them, especially as they come of age. Ella Emhoff is the perfect example of what it means to challenge nuclear family stereotypes. The so-called First Daughter of Bushwick has armpit hair, crochets, supports trans rights and gender-affirming care and clearly has no patience for anyone trying to denigrate her familial relationships. This isn’t “Cinderella.” It’s much, much better.
It is also obvious that both Ella and her brother respect and admire their stepmom. They don’t resent his second wife; they are happy that their dad is happy. And this respect is mirrored by Doug’s first wife, Kerstin. Indeed, when Vance’s attacks on Harris started to get picked up by the press, Kerstin, too, came to the aid of her parenting partner. “For over 10 years, since Cole and Ella were teenagers, Kamala has been a co-parent with Doug and I,” she said in a statement. “She is loving, nurturing, fiercely protective, and always present. I love our blended family and am grateful to have her in it.”
And while Republicans may not want to admit it, blended families like these are not only normal — they are common. “It’s a cool dynamic we all have,” Ella told The New York Times in 2021. “And I think it is a good model to show that you can have this and this isn’t weird. Like it’s not weird to be friends or have a good relationship with your ex. It’s actually very healthy.”
In his 2020 Atlantic article “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake,” David Brooks writes that today, nuclear families with two-biological-parent households are in the minority. But, he adds, that’s not cause for panic. “The good news is that human beings adapt, even if politics are slow to do so. When one family form stops working, people cast about for something new—sometimes finding it in something very old,” he noted. And one of those “old” ideas is the concept of kinship. “We think of kin as those biologically related to us,” Brooks writes. “But throughout most of human history, kinship was something you could create.”
While Republicans may not want to admit it, blended families like these are not only normal — they are common.
My closest circle of friends are all in unique and thriving family structures: My best friends are a family of three: an adoptive dad and stepdad and their 13-year-old daughter. They co-parent with the other adoptive dad from the previous marriage. Another friend lives in a polyamorous polycule with their partner of 10 years, their partner’s partner and their partner’s partner’s two kids. They argue this structure only makes their family stronger. One of my close friends in her 40s lives unmarried with her boyfriend and his 6-year-old son, who goes back and forth between homes.
Are these families not “real”? If you live with the child, are you a “real” parent? What about if you drive your stepchild to school for years? What if they sleep next to you when they have nightmares? How can you pass an impossible test?
Stepmom alienation and discrimination is a specific kind of disenfranchised grief. Indeed, it takes a strong person to be a stepparent — this journey is not for the faint of the heart. I’ve even been called a “childless stepmom” over the years; truly the most absurd oxymoron you could come up with.
Believe me: When you hold your stepdaughter’s hair while she throws up, drive her to and from school, fly with her to Europe for the first time, take her to urgent care, argue with her about cleaning her room, help pay for her private school, leave Post-its all over the apartment that say, “Brush your teeth,” help her pick out a dress for her first dance, teach her how to wash her face — and wear deodorant and hula hoop and pump gas — you aren’t “childless,” you’re child-plus.
This is something the first daughter of Bushwick, and potentially the first female president of the United States, both understand. Kamala Harris isn’t some lesser, “other” mom. She’s just Momala.