Name: Holey socks.
Age: They look much older than they are.
Appearance: Dangerously close to fishnet territory.
I’m assuming the “E” is important. Yes. This isn’t holy socks, as in socks that bear the face of Jesus and grant wishes. This is holey socks, as in socks that have holes in them.
Like all the footballers are doing. Exactly. If you watched any of Euro 2024, you will have seen plenty of footballers with holes ripped into the backs of their socks. Jude Bellingham does it, don’t you know. As do his England teammates Bukayo Saka, Kyle Walker and Conor Gallagher. It’s a whole trend.
A hole trend, even? Stop that. Anyway, there’s a good reason for it.
Did they have to walk through a bramble patch to get to the pitch? No, it’s because they believe that tight socks restrict their muscles during a match. As the games go on, footballers’ calves can swell, which can reduce their oxygen supply and cause discomfort.
Well, that seems scientifically sound. Even if the science isn’t watertight, if it makes the players feel more confident, or even makes them play better, then who can argue?
Who indeed? Well, officials, sometimes. Ezequiel Garay, formerly of Real Madrid, Benfica and Valencia, was once sent away to change socks by a referee, who had decided that holey socks contravened the dress code.
Did you just answer your own question? Shush. Anyway, where footballers lead, others will follow, as the number of schoolkids with silly Jack Grealish haircuts proved a few years ago. It’s only a matter of time before we start seeing children in the street with holes cut into their socks.
Oh God, not another sock trend. I’m only just getting used to ankle socks being uncool now. Suck it up, grandpa. All the cool kids are about to massacre their socks and I’m sure their parents are going to love it.
Could football socks not be made a bit baggier to prevent all this slashing? This is part of the problem. Footballers wear new socks every match, so they don’t lose elasticity over time, like the socks we wear.
Maybe they could wear their socks more than once. This is an extremely sensible, sustainable idea. It’ll never catch on.
Still, putting holes in things can improve athletic ability. Who knew? I know where this is going and I want you to stop.
I just wonder if it works for other garments. I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to try to justify wearing tattered old pants as a sporting decision.
But they might make me run faster. You don’t need to run faster. You spend all day sitting in a chair having arguments with yourself in newspapers.
Do say: “Putting holes in your socks makes you a better athlete.”
Don’t say: “If you ignore Sunday’s result.”