There is a rumor going around the Internet that in J.D. Vance’s memoir, he described, according to one tweet, “having sex with a rubber glove secured between cushions on his couch.” The tweet, and others like it, have inspired countless memes. The only thing more prevalent on TikTok right now are Kamala/Brat videos. To wit:
@sickofthebs2.0 Hillbilly Elegy page 179 to 181. Written by Donald Trumps choice for VP JD Vance 😂😂 #politics #politicstiktok #funny #politicalhumor #politicalsatire #jdvance #jdvancecouch #hillbillyelegy ♬ Hillbilly Banjo – Parry Music
@queerlorewithjojobear JD Vance be loving up on some sectional sofa! #jdvance #missvancie #butheremails #petebuttigieg #adulthumor⚠️ #parody #adulthumor #palmsprings #polticaltiktok #kamala #felonsontiktok #vancie #girlplease #queeelorestatus #queerlorewithjojobear #jojobear #comedyvideo @JoJo Bear @Queerty* @GAY TIMES @PinkNews 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ @Rolling Stone @MTV #latexgloves #latex #sp @madonna @Taylor Swift @mtvuk ♬ original sound – MRGREENSCREEN
A week ago, the Internet barely knew who JD Vance was, and now he’s been defined as the couch f**ker. I’ve seen the word “heterosectional” 170,000 times in the last few days.
But here’s the reality: There is no such passage in Hillbilly Elegy. I would know. I read Hillbilly Elegy, and it is dull and trite. If any such passage had existed, I would have remembered it because it would have been the only thing interesting about the memoir.
The rumor has gained so much steam on the Internet that the Associated Press posted an article with the title, “No, JD Vance did not have sex with a couch.” However, the AP soon deleted the article, later noting to The Verge that the article “didn’t go through our standard editing process.”
It might have been accurate for the AP to write an article with the title, “No, JD Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir,” but it is not accurate to say that JD Vance didn’t have sex with a couch. That’s why the AP had to pull it. JD Vance very well could have had sex with a couch — those summers in Appalachia are long and lonely, and a good couch is a great companion.
That he has not yet denied it — despite the prevalence of this rumor — suggests that perhaps he has had sex with a couch. Why else let this rumor continue to flourish? If he hasn’t had sex with a couch, just come out and be straight with the American people. Let’s hear it from the alleged couch-f**ker’s mouth: Did he or did he not have a sexual relationship with a couch? America deserves to know what kind of person they’re putting second in line to the presidency. And if he did have sex with a couch, what kind of couch was it?
We must not rest until we know. Journalists need to push on this question. Where is the NYTimes? The 2024 election may come down to a handful of votes, so it is imperative that JD Vance publicly confirm or deny whether he made love to a piece of furniture, before the American people cast their ballots this fall.