As great as Penrith and Melbourne are as modern day rugby league teams, Sunday’s grand final is nothing but a snore fest for those neutrals who are sick of their dominance and tired of the presence of both in deciders.
There has been a sameness about the NRL for some time now and only the Raiders, Eels and Brisbane have provided true interest value heading in the final match of the season over the last few years. Outside of that, the powers at be in the form of the Storm, Panthers and Roosters have continued to present themselves at the big dance.
In fact, of the most recent nine NRL grand finals, one of the big three has been present. The 2024 edition will be the third occasion during that time period when two of the dominant clubs will meet to decide the champion.
As such, the majority of league fans around the country will have little interest in who actually reigns supreme. Some remain unable to forgive the systemic cheating undertaken in Melbourne all those years ago and will be hell-bent on seeing Craig Bellamy and his defiant group humbled on Sunday.
Others will have become well and truly sick to death of Penrith victory laps and hope for anything other than a fourth consecutive grand final win, in what is the Panthers’ fifth straight appearance.
Penrith celebrate a third consecutive NRL premiership in the change rooms. (Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)
I sit comfortably in another group; those of us who will watch the match with friends and only out of curiosity, without a horse in the race for which to cheer. The only way we might be able to get through the contest is to see the lighter side, poke a little fun at the Channel Nine commentary team and cynically highlight some of the more farcical parts of the game.
The two clowns who will be around at my place to soak in the day’s action are prone to a bevy or two during play and this year will be no different. As a trio, we support the Dogs, Dragons and Titans, hence our disdain for the clubs going around this weekend.
In fact, we’ve decided to formalise things with a little drinking game to keep ourselves awake while watch two NRL machines grind it out across what could be a low scoring and risk adverse 90 minutes.
Phil Gould will get plenty of our attention and a swig will be taken each and every time he climbs aboard the rugby league dinosaur train and pontificates on the stupidity of modern day football and calls for a return to stone age rules and actions.
No doubt there will be controversy when a support player stops in the line or a ball player sweeps around the back of men playing decoy, before the Bunker is called into action to determine whether obstruction has taken place.
It is short odds that a ‘soft’ call off the back of a diving defender will be made at some point and the first commentator to scream, “Where is he supposed to go?” will command a decent slurp to combat the inane and vacuous nature of the observation.
At some point, a player will be clocked in the head by a purposefully directed shoulder, another head or a swinging arm that will draw the attention of Ashley Klein and the Bunker.
We will be drinking whenever a rugby league apologist makes the call that the penalty or potential sin-binning is too harsh, citing ‘no malice’ in the tackle.
Of the scores of commentators I’ve heard use the term over the years, I would argue that at least 50 per cent do not even know the meaning of the word. It remains one of the most annoying elements of the modern game and presents a view that perhaps no-one should be held responsible for accidental contact that does damage to an opposition player.
As a group we have decided to take a quick sip every time the recent sacking of Kevin Walters is mentioned, as well as whenever well-timed cutaways to Storm coach Craig Bellamy coincide with the veteran mentor losing his mind and suffering some sort of medical episode in the coach’s box.
Craig Bellamy will be the subject of many a close-up on Sunday evening. (Photo by Daniel Pockett/Getty Images)
Additional gulps will be required immediately following each slow motion replay reviewed by the Bunker. As it stands, our record is nine, hence my determination that the sips will be conservatively small during the 2024 grand final. Surrender tackles are our favourite piece of rugby league comedy and we’ll have a wee dram each time Klein enlightens the world with the useless call.
How much more interesting would the grand final have been with a charging Bulldogs, Knights or Cowboys team present? Plenty. Yet here we are again, with the usual suspects involved and the lop-sided nature of NRL competition on full show.
Of course, Melbourne and Penrith fans will be going bananas and all power to them. Hopefully the teams belt the life out of each other and put on a spectacle. However, like many others, caring about who actually wins the game is not something I’ll be doing.
Maybe next year will produce a better contest, when the Titans meet the Tigers at Accor Stadium for the title. Now that would be something.