There was a lot of excitement heading into the third Test between Australia and India, both sides having succumbed to one (1) thrashing, but both sides also inflicting one (1) thrashing. Quite the coincidence, I’m sure you’ll agree.
With anticipation at its peak, Brisbane naturally completely embarrassed itself, turning on some needlessly Sydney behaviour, with rain washing out pretty much the entire Test.
Here’s the report card for the third Test of the Australia vs India series.
Bumrah’s Lack of Variety
Grade: B+
The rain on the first day helped Nathan McSweeney and Usman Khawaja blunt the flummoxed India attack and end the day undefeated.
A great partnership reminiscent of Mark ‘Swampy’ Taylor and Geoff ‘Tubby’ Marsh, who ended the first day at Nottingham in the 1989 Ashes on 0-301.
Fitting, really, given that the Gabba had spent the entire day becoming a hybrid of a swamp and a tub.
The second day, however, saw Jasprit Bumrah work over the pair, before dismissing both of them once he put his mind to it.
Yawn. Been there, seen that, Jasprit. Show me something new. How about a spell where you don’t make batting against you look impossible?
Can you do that? No? Then maybe you don’t have the variety in your arsenal that you’re credited with.
The Frasier-Niles pairing of Australian cricket
Grade: A-
In between Bumrah’s opening blitz and his new ball spell late in the day, however, India were tricked into using other bowlers.
A big mistake, as it allowed Travis Head and Steve Smith to put on 241 runs for the fourth wicket.
Remember how, in the second Test, Marnus Labuschagne was (briefly) rebooted? This time around, it was Smith’s turn.
Before play began on the second day, in an interview with Alison Mitchell, Smith talked at length about ‘staying in the present’ and ‘trusting his game’.
Wrong move. Forget staying in the present, Steve. That’s no good. Go back to 2015-2019, surely, when you were the second greatest batter anybody has ever seen.
And so he did, CTRL-ALT-DELETE-ing his way to (eventually) vintage Smith form, working the ball off his pads, cover driving, on driving, fidgeting, trajesturing and eventually bringing up his 33rd Test century.
Head, meanwhile, also Travis Headed his way to another century.
Overall, it was a fine Head-Smith partnership, like a couple of psychiatrists opening a practice together, and the Frasier-Niles pairing of Australian cricket helped the side to 445 all out.
Unrelated: A Steve Smith and Travis Head sitcom, please.
Delays
Grade: F
The next couple of days were an exercise in frust —
(Sorry, covers coming onto that paragraph now, words scrambling back to the dressing room.)
When that paragraph resumed, Mitchell Starc took two balls to dismiss Yashasvi Jaiswal, caught by Mitchell Marsh at mid wicket. Worrying signs of decline for the —
(Covers coming back onto that paragraph, just as that gag about Starc’s decline was building up some rhythm.)
After a delay for more ‘flying bison’ jokes than you could reasonably expect, we’re back into this new paragraph now, with India 2-6, after Shubman Gill sliced one —
(Oh, come on. We’re coming off again? Fine. Let’s just take an early section break.)
More Delays
Grade: F-
This report card resumed, but only eight words —
(And off again.)
On and off, on and off, like some kind of tiresome Morse Code message.
What did that message spell? ‘Queensland is the worst state in Australia’, I’m afraid.
If that feels harsh to Billy Moore, Matt Hayden and the rest of Team Banana Bender, then I’m sorry. But it’s not difficult. You host a Test, you actually play the Test. You don’t put on some form of impromptu precipitation convention or—
(Nope. Now we’re off for bad light.)
Day one of the third Test between Australia and India saw heavy rain at the Gabba. (Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)
Come on, umpires. If you’re worried this paragraph is getting a little dark, just give Starc a pink ball and play on. That’s the fair thing to do.
Foxy the Idiot Six-Measuring Fox
Grade: F
Luckily, though, a fun mini-contest sprung magically into existence on the fourth day of this Test, like some kind of mystical Golem or that drawing in A-Ha’s Take on Me toe-tapping video clip.
That contest? Could India get past the follow-on mark and prevent Australia from putting them into bat again, the only realistic route to victory in this sodden Test?
At the start of the fourth day, India needed 195 further runs, Australia needed six further wickets. Let’s play.
Or, as it turns out, let’s not play if you’re Josh Hazlewood, who was suddenly under an injury cloud, with the injury ground staff getting the injury covers ready.
He bowled one unconvincing over then was taken away and ruled out of the rest of the series. So that made things more challenging for Australia.
Also making things more challenging? Steve Smith’s sloppy hands. But making it less challenging? Steve Smith’s brilliant hands.
Eventually, though, India’s number ten and 11 came together with 33 needed. They scampered singles. They took twos. Found fours. Heck, Bumrah even swatted a six at one point.
Australia could find no way through this last wicket partnership, and finally, dramatically, Akash Deep guide-edged a ball from Cummins over the slips cordon for four to see India past the follow-on mark.
He then followed up with a towering six.
Over in the Fox/Kayo coverage of this year’s Big Bash, they’ve concocted a cartoon creature they call Foxy the Idiot Six-Measuring Fox, who, as the name suggests, is an idiot fox who measures sixes.
If only he’d been on hand to measure Deep’s six against Cummins. On the other hand, maybe he would have come to life, Take on Me-style, and we can’t have that. Best to keep him confined to the BBL where he can do minimal damage.
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Naturally, of course, the umpires took the players off after Deep’s six.
Ostensibly for bad light, which is a great gag. But, more realistically, because the partnership effectively ended the contest.
Which it had, despite Cummins’ best efforts to reimagine a final day top order collapse instigated by India’s two most convincing batters, as instead a charge for quick declaration runs.
Great captaincy, setting up a theoretical thrilling fourth innings run chase that would have been an even bigger excuse than usual for Rishabh Pant to go utterly mad.
In the end, though, of course, it rained again.