Everybody has their own favorite Napoleon Dynamite quote. Co-writer and director Jared Hess’ instant high school movie classic from 2004 has gone down in history as one of the most hilariously quotable comedies of its time and, two decades later, fans are still telling people to “vote for Pedro” or to “bow to your sensei!”
Just about every member of the Napoleon Dynamite cast is given a moment to shine with a hilarious line but quite a few of the funniest quotes are claimed by Jon Heder, who got paid way less than you’d assume to star in the film as the eponymous disgruntled Idaho geek. See how many of his best quips found their way to my choices for the funniest Napoleon Dynamite quotes.
“Whatever I Feel Like I Wanna Do. Gosh!”
Napoleon’s very first line in the film spells out everything we need to know about him. A fellow passenger on his school bus (which he shares with elementary school students for some reason) politely asks what plans he might have for the day and he immediately reacts as if he is inconvenienced by the question. Then again, this is how he responds to, just about, any question, really.
“The Worst Day Of My Life, What Do You Think?”
Once again, we have another prime example of Napoleon’s habit of giving rude answers to simple, cordial question. This one comes courtesy of his grandmother, Carlinda (Sandy Martin, who went on to star in Pixar’s Luca cast as the title characters’s grandmother), who just wanted to know how her grandson’s day went. In his defense, though, it was a bit of a crap day for him.
“Napoleon, Don’t Be Jealous That I’ve Been Chatting Online With Babes All Day”
Napoleon’s brother, Kip (Aaron Ruell, who reprised the role in Fox’s animated and largely forgotten TV show based on the movie), does not do anything to make his day any better. The awkward, 32-year-old homebody even puts some salt in the wound with an unprovoked boast about his supposed success with internet dating.
“I Mean, We Chat Online For, Like, Two Hours Every Day. So, I Guess You Could Say Things Are Gettin’ Pretty Serious”
Kip doubles down on his humble brag about online dating when talking to his and Napoleon’s uncle, Rico (The White Lotus Season 2 cast member Jon Gries). Based on his overly confident tone when discussing his relationship with, essentially, a pen pal, I imagine many people thought this so-called “LaFawnduh” was catfishing him. Discovering this woman (played by Shondrella Avery) is real and eventually accepts his marriage proposal makes the quote even more of a classic.
“Last Week, Japanese Scientists Explaced… Placed Explosive Detonators At The Bottom Of Lake Loch Ness To Blow Nessie Out Of The Water”
As an admirer of magical ligers and frequent doodler of unicorns, it is no surprise, in retrospect, why Napoleon chooses an apparent attempt to bring one of the world’s most famous cryptids, the Loch Ness Monster, to the surface for a current event presentation. I was already on the side of his classmates when they begin snickering at his initial reading but it only gets funnier when he mentions that Scottish wizards were enlisted to help protect “those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.”
“Tina, You Fat Lard, Come Get Some Dinner!”
For as much as he loves fantasy creatures, it is real animals that Napoleon cannot seem to warm to, including his family’s own pet llama, Tina. He greets her outside with a bizarrely off-putting insult before putting little to no effort to actually feed her the meal he sternly commands her to eat.
“Do The Chickens Have Large Talons?”
Napoleon does not seem too amused by chickens either, which is why I have always wondered why he bothered getting a job helping a local farmer herd his fowl birds. However, this guy does not seem to be much of a farmer if he cannot understand Napoleon’s question regarding the length of his chicken’s claws.
“Now, Just Imagine You’re Weightless, In The Middle Of The Ocean, Surrounded By Tiny Little Seahorses”
Deb (Veronica Mars cast member Tina Majorino), who becomes Napoleon’s love interest despite also agreeing to go to prom with Pedro (Efren Ramirez), does not say too much throughout the film, but does get one memorable and quite ethereal line in when taking Uncle Rico’s portrait. I cannot deny that if a photographer gave this sort of direction, it would probably be just what I would need to be put at ease.
“I Already Made Like Infinity Of Those At Scout Camp”
Napoleon’s first interaction with Deb could have gone much better. Things are already off to an awkward start when she tries to sell him on her “Glamour Shots” business, but when she introduces her “hand-woven crafts,” he bluntly tells her he has plenty of his own self-made boondoggle keychains, much to her disappointment.
“Your Mom Goes To College”
What really offends Deb enough to run away and leave “her crap” at Napoleon’s doorstep is when Kip rudely interjects without reason. Deb tells Napoleon she is hoping to raise money for college and his older brother shouts out an remarkably absurd variation of one of the oldest comebacks in the book. It is Kip’s smug glance that really sells as it as iconic.
“I See You’re Drinking 1%. Is That ‘Cause You Think You’re Fat? ‘Cause You’re Not. You Could Be Drinking Whole If You Wanted To”
Whenever Napoleon does make an attempt to speak cordially with Deb, it turns out to be an even more awkward interaction than their last. I cannot fault him for at least trying to pay someone a compliment, but one would hope that, at his age, he would have the awareness to realize how he sounds.
“It Took Me, Like, Three Hours To Finish The Shading On Your Upper Lip. It’s Probably The Best Drawing I’ve Ever Done”
Once again, Napoleon demonstrates his struggle to speak to the opposite sex in a most disastrous fashion while on the phone with his classmate, Trisha (Emily Kennard Dunn), who only agrees to go to prom with Napoleon by her own mother’s urging. We all know that his unsavory portrait of her would have earned him an immediate “no” otherwise, and it clearly had something to do with her decision to rudely ditch him as soon they get to the dance.
“I Like Your Sleeves. They’re Real Big.”
Finally, by acknowledging the puffy sleeves on Deb’s dress, Napoleon manages to pay a woman a sweet compliment, even if it, more than likely, would not have been received nearly as well by anyone else.
While sharing a dance to Alphaville’s “Forever Young,” he then asks her if things are “getting really serious” between her and her date, Pedro, to which she assures him that they are just friends. It is one of the first signs that things could get serious between them and one of the normally cumbersome comedy’s most endearing moments.
“You Think Anybody Wants A Roundhouse Kick To The Face While I’m Wearing These Bad Boys? Forget About It.”
Continuing his reputation for brief, scene-stealing roles in beloved comedies — such as the ‘90s movie classic, Office Space, or the 2022 horror-comedy favorite, The Blackening — is Diedrich Bader as Rex, who teaches a martial arts program of his own design that Kip enrolls in. Just about every word out of his mouth in the scene is comedy gold but I am partial to him trying to sound intimidating as he shows off his baggy, patriotic pants.
“Well, I Could’ve Told You That.”
Some of the movie’s most satisfying moments see Uncle Rico get his comeuppance for being a self-centered jackass, such as after Napoleon determines that a supposed time machine Rico and Kip ordered off the internet is a “piece of crap.” Seeing Rico in visible pain and giving his nephew a belated warning that the machine is basically a homemade shock torture device easily makes for one of the film’s funniest moments.
Do you think I got “lucky” picking out the most hilarious Napoleon Dynamite quotes, or do you think I’m a “freakin’ idiot” for believing any of these are funny?